Day 22 - First Serious Fail

303 lbs     16 lbs lost

So on the same day I get to 16 lbs lost, I ate a whole package of pecan sandies last night.  Kind of takes the fun out of it.  My night eating got the best of me.  I tried to take my sleep aid and go to sleep, but I had already thought of the cookies in the cupboard and couldn't get past them.  I tried to just take a handful to bed and leave the rest in the kitchen, but my mind said, just eat the whole thing and then they'll be gone and out of your way.  Just eat the whole thing and in the morning pretend it didn't happen.  I don't remember specifically eating them all because I was dozing, but I know I did.

Pretend it didn't happen isn't how it works, as many of you know.  I stayed in bed very late, trying to avoid the shame of daylight. Then I feel guilty about that.  Now I am up, showered, done my chores and ate some yogurt.  Writing this to clear it off my mind.  I have been working hard at controlling my mind and my impulses and I do not deserve self-loathing after 21 days of trying to love myself up.  I am crying right now but that is OK because I would rather get it out and get on with my day than suck it up and send more disgust and cortisol to my fat middle like in the old days. So here is a picture of the stupid pecan sandies that will not get me again because I am facing it today.  I am going to flow into the rest of my day and not crucify myself or try to double exercise or starve myself to make up for it.  I might drink a lot of water.  I think that is OK.

Onward & upward (downward)!

Day 18 - Still Going

308 lbs, 11 lbs lost

Now we're getting to the hard part.  The momentum of a fresh start is wearing off and the uphill climb is beginning.  I am trying to keep my mind up so this journey seems like something I want to do, not punishment, but it's not easy.  I would love to hear from anyone reading about where you may be on a similar journey.

Here's what I've been doing:

• Switched to a different food & exercise tracker.  It was knocking me off track that the one on WebMD did not have an app so I could update from my phone or tablet.  I have switched to MyFitnessPal which can be updated on phone, tablet or computer.  I just started today so we'll see how that goes.  Tracking is CRUCIAL.
• Tried a new cabbage recipe which is a big deal since I am not a big cabbage lover.   (1 t. olive oil, 2 T. bacon bits, 2 T lemon juice, 1 T. worcestershire, 1/4 t. salt, 1/4 t. pepper, 1 Cabbage, quartered, individually wrapped. Bake at 425 degrees for 20-30 minutes)
• Walking or exercising with the Wii at least 4x per week.
• Watching the old series "Ruby" on Netflix to keep myself motivated.  If you are not familiar, it was a cable reality show about a woman who started at 500 lbs. trying to lose 250 of it.

Challenges:

• Nighttime eating is still a challenge.  Frequency is the same, but what I eat is better.  I go to bed at around 9 p.m. with the intention of watching TV or playing on my tablet for a couple of hours.  From 9 pm - midnight, I get up to eat at least 4 times.  I have been much better at eating fruit, hummus on a rice cake, etc rather than 4 Hawaiian rolls slathered with butter for just one of the trips.  Maybe I could try this week to get up only 3 times.  I continue to talk to myself about the fact that my subconcious does not need to rebel at night.  This is what I want to do.
• Still a challenge to eat more calories early in the day, but I only skipped breakfast once this past week so good on that.
• The big challenge is thinking this is what I want to eat because it isn't.  I went out to eat to a beautiful Asian restaurant and had delicious and beautifully presented veggies, but was hungry within an hour of when I got home.  I still dream of cheese even though my gut feels so much better without it.  There is a "satisfaction" factor that does not come from a big pile of celery even though one may be "full."
• Eleven pounds is a lot to lose but my clothes do not feel significantly looser because I had gotten so big, even my "big" clothes were getting tight.

So, let me repeat my reasons for this journey to motivate myself, and maybe even add a couple:

1. I desperately want to look better. Honestly, that is more important to me than my health. I would like to end up looking something on the order of Christine Lagarde, head of the IMF International Monetary Fund.  Her way of dressing is just my style.
2. I want to run and play full tilt with my six exceptional granddaughters.
3. I want my recently replaced knees to last longer.
4. I want to travel more comfortably and be confident I can conquer challenging terrain like Machu Pichu.

Well, that's it for today.  Onward & upward (I mean downward!)
Paula

Day 10 - Progress Being Made

9 lbs lost - 310 lbs.

So far, so good!  The fact that I haven't quit yet tells me that I really want this.  Haven't written for awhile because of a big work project.  I am a textile artist and I am working on a commisioned quilt. The longer it takes to make, the longer til I get paid!

Here are some things I've been doing to keep my motivation up:

• Started walking with Mitchell the Dog.  We go one driveway farther every day.  Today we are up to "two driveways past the corner."  I am so grateful to have had both knees replaced December 6 a year ago.  Now I can really power walk and it helps to stretch my back out from the quilt stitching.
• Made homemade hummus in the blender from a recipe I found on Pinterest. It was a little bland because I used the bottom of the range of spices (as suggested) but a good place to start.  I love hummus and this recipe made twice as much out of one can of chickpeas as you get in a $4.00 container at the store.
• Turned a corner on my nighttime eating habit.  Was watching Dr. Phil for entertainment while I worked on the quilt the other day and a woman was on who ate in her sleep.  After years of doctors and therapists suggesting that my nocturnal eating was a result of trauma early in my adult life, Dr. Phil suggested that the woman's subconscious was merely rebelling against food restrictions she placed on herself during the day.  Given the fact that I started restricting my food severely when I was in high school, and until I started this new life style ten days ago often did not eat at all until afternoon, I thought this could be true for me.  I had a talk with my "self" about how much I really do want to change my life, and have been having much less trouble ever since.
• Added a resource page to this blog.  Look for the tab at the top of the page. Will contain a summary of resources I mention along the way.

So, how do I feel oat this point on the journey? I feel encouraged that I am losing.  I am not thrilled to not being eating pizza, but I want to shed this fat really badly.  I feel grateful to have the space in my life to do this. Onward & upward!

Day Two - Baby Steps

Holding at 316. 3 lb loss.

I woke up this morning pretty discouraged because of my nighttime eating.  It seems that I hold on, hold on, eating fruits and veggies until about midnight when all self control goes out the window.  In fact, I wake myself up to eat.  Last night it was ice cream and cornbread.  So...

This morning the remaining ice cream is going in the trash.  I put the actuals of what I ate in my tracker and my mood improved.  Instead of pushing my daily total to the 3600 calorie range as I used to do, I ended up in the 2200 calorie range yesterday.  I did make the choice to use a small bowl for the ice cream.  I did make the choice to not slather the cornbread with butter.  I AM IMPROVING.  2200 is not weight loss range but it is not constant increase range either.  I would like to relax into this, but turning this ship around really is a battle.

Resource of the day:
Blog by a young woman who has been at this for awhile and has lots of links to good stuff - http://skinnyemmie.com. 

Have a great Thursday!

Day One - Not Quite Perfect

Yesterday, New Year's Day Tuesday, was Day One for the New Me.  I actually started following the meal plan on Monday to get a running start and ran smack into two familiar hurdles right out of the gate.  I don't mind eating the foods on the plan, in fact, getting all that produce in is a challenge.  Obstacle One came in the form of the premade TollHouse cookie dough in the fridge.  Ate the whole thing at midnight Monday.  2100 calories.  Felt horrible but woke up telling myself, "I will NOT give up."  Obstacle Two took the shape of the last piece of cheesecake left over from granddaughter's birthday.  Down the hatch it went for afternoon snack.  Again, felt miserable.  A couple hours after that, I told myself, go record the cheesecake on your tracker and see if it really derailed your whole day.  Actually it didn't.  I still had about 400 calories left to eat some dinner and to have my favorite evening snack, celery with Pace picquante sauce mixed with 1 T sour cream.  The key was that I prepared the celery dip before I went to bed so it would be ready for my midnite crave time.

This morning the scale was down 2 lbs so Onward & Upward!  Probably water but I will take whatever encouragement I can get.

Two resources I used yesterday:
A.  Al Roker's new book, "Never Goin' Back: Winning the Weight Loss Battle for Good".  I wouldn't say I am learning a great deal, but it makes my shame less to know that Al Roker has weighed 20 lbs more that me and he is an inch shorter.  His conclusion, same as mine, "Eat less, exercise more."  His secondary conclusion, same as mine, "Eat cleaner foods" meaning more foods in their natural state, avoiding processed foods.

B. Netflix film, "Hungry for Change." Various health experts are interviewed about the myriad ways the food industry spikes processed food to keep us coming back for more.  Just a few examples: Diet soda - filled with sweetener aspertame & caffeine keeps one coming back just like a drug.  They mentioned diet coke drinkers who used the drink to not eat, which I did when I was younger. Fortunately, I kicked the soda habit years ago.  Another example, high fructose corn syrup, of course.  That is an obvious, read the label and avoid at all cost.  For me, I want to avoid this for me AND the grands.  A third ingredient to avoid was MSG.  In lab studies of fat mice, there are no naturally fat mice so scientists fatten them up by giving them MSG.  Sick.  Avoid it. 

At the end of the film, they went into a spiritual tone and talked about how many of us (me) use food to fill a void and that "LOVE = SAFETY"  I never heard that before but it is so true for me.  It is interesting that I was just talking to the granddaughters about our family being a safe place for people to express themselves and they seemed to respond to that.  I know that until recently in my adult life, there was no safety anywhere, so I guess it is no big surprise that I had a HUGE void to fill.

Well, time to launch Day Two! Talk to you later.